


Wooing the Socially Retarded, Emotionally Stunted, Superhero Complex Afflicted Neanderthal Animal

by NevarDevereaux



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Violence, craziness, major crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 05:06:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevarDevereaux/pseuds/NevarDevereaux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting a psycho's attention makes the love game just a bit more difficult</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wooing the Socially Retarded, Emotionally Stunted, Superhero Complex Afflicted Neanderthal Animal

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is crack! Insanity! It was so off the wall, I was o_O when I proofed it.  
> Pairing: Danny Williams/Steve McGarrett (The title didn't give it away?)  
> Rating: FRM  
> Warnings: *points up*  
> Summary: Getting a psycho's attention makes the love game just a bit more difficult
> 
> A/N: I would like to know where this idea came from myself. *shrugs* Normalcy is a realm I have not visited often. It bores me.
> 
> Originally Posted March 4, 2011
> 
> I can be found on [Tumblr](http://seekingthecrazy.tumblr.com/).

Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone who has as much experience with relating to others as a great white shark has with vegetarianism? If you have, do not feel alone. I have been there. There was no one to guide me. I had to learn this through trial and error. Trial and error meant conversations that made me want to pound my head against the wall, being shot numerous times (although the scars are turn-ons for these types), running from explosions, and covering a slew of civil rights violations.

You probably spend hours having conversations with yourself. (You're not crazy. The one you are attracted to is. It's not you!) The rational side of you is shoving you to the nearest exit with a sense of urgency; however, we all have that thrill-seeking, adrenaline addicted side. That facet of your personality is intrigued by the psycho of your dreams. The psycho is probably gorgeous and charming in a,"Some people do crosswords for fun; I prefer mayhem to fill up my free time." kind of way. That combination is what has allowed them to roam freely in society for so long.

Now, don't get me wrong. These people are not the bad type of crazy. They are just misguided, socially inept, and bored to the point of choosing probable death over say, taking a walk. What scares the rest of us shitless makes them smirk in a sinister way and flat out run toward all hell breaking loose with their guns drawn and a war cry.

Do not browbeat yourself for finding their daredevil tendencies sexy. We all have our moments of weakness.

Once you have determined the object of your affection is, indeed, out of touch with that trivial Maslow need for self-preservation, you must decide whether you a, want to get the hell away from the whack job, b, drop an anonymous tip to the local mental health facility, or c, learn a bit more about the person and hope you live long enough to finish your research.

If you choose a, no one will judge you as you are passed by numerous people choosing the same exit strategy you did. Choosing b will allow you stay where you are, unless the person is released, in which case, changing your name and moving to some country very few, except the intellectually snobby, have heard of is just the beginning of your life as a fugitive from insanity fueled revenge. Plastic surgery is advisable as well. These types tend to be intelligent, crafty, and patient. Basically, you can run, but you can't hide. If you choose c, keep reading.

Getting to know this type is dangerous. Besides the issues already discussed, such as bodily harm, permanent injury, or a blaze of glory (aka stupidity) which goes wrong and ends up with a beautiful funeral service for you, attended by the very person who caused the situation which led to your early demise, because they are just that lucky and always walk away from the havoc they create, while everything else ends up as collateral damage, there are other issues you will have to deal with.

Fighting. You are trying to make the other person see things your way. Their crazy colored glasses will never allow that. You can not let go of your faculties long enough to even comprehend how the hell they are seeing the world. This will lead to conflict. In the best situations, arguing will occur often. In the worst case scenario, you will need a good lawyer who can demonstrate to the jury the victim was asking to be choked and you held his throat a little too long, it was an accident, and you will never let something like that happen again.

Rather than choking, I suggest a good old-fashioned punch to the face. The other person will probably not have you arrested, since the prospect of pugilism will make them smile with glee. Clock him and walk away quickly. (These types know how to fight. There is no shame in running.)

If you can get past the daydreaming of millions of ways to kill your pain in the ass, good. You have accomplished the most difficult step. Now, you move into reconnaissance.

It takes two to tango, right? You have to determine if the other side is open to negotiation. *wink* You will receive mixed signals. This is where social ineptitude steals the scene. If the crackpot of your fantasies is interested, be ready for inappropriate flirting, such as smirking at you on the way to take down a drug lord, flirting with you while questioning the waitress girlfriend of a murderer, or shaking his ass in front of your face in your ex-wife's home. Said crackpot will also date other people, flirt with his ex military buddies right in front of your face, then ask you outright if you are jealous. This is how the socially retarded work.

If you have read this far, you are probably wondering if I have had a psychological evaluation and passed it. Yes, I have, thank you very much. If you will continue, you will find all this suffering and hard work is worth the payoff.

Now, this is where things might get confusing. Yes, he dates other people, while alluding to having had sexual relations just to gauge your reactions. Yes, he feels up guys in front of you for the same purpose. If you can manage not to choke him, as I suggested before, a fist to the jaw is sufficient, you will begin to see the mating dance of the interpersonal relationship ignorant.

He will wander into your office out of the blue and give you three nights at an expensive hotel, just so the most important person in your life can spend time with you in a beautiful environment. The arm sling and busted face will be frightening, but the smile is genuine, so make that your focal point.

Seconds after he pumps his ex-buddy with lead, and you point out his background checks on potential friends is lacking, he can smile at you and tell you, in no uncertain terms, he chose you. Sure he will try to disguise it as snark, but by now you should be able to read your guy.

When Medusa decides you should be kept away from your child, he will call in favors to friends in high places, effectively scaring that bitch into backing down. He will claim no knowledge of why the governor paid a visit to some random succubus who is making the life of one her task force's detectives hell.

When other people insult you, such as mistaking you for a waiter, he will immediately come to your defense, telling you the other person is clueless. It's not the smoothest way to make you feel better, but it will work.

Speaking of smooth, he isn't. Socially inept? Remember? What you have to do is study his actions and determine the motive behind them. If he repeatedly goes out of his way to make you feel special, consider this your first victory.

The next level may be a bit...frightening. Once you have determined, with great certainty, unless being the cover model of a milk carton is your lifelong goal, he wants you and he has arrived at the same conclusion, prepare yourself. His tunnel-vision will let him see no other option other than making you his. Here is where you can test the waters. For example, I may have slipped a postcard of New Jersey into the visor of our work vehicle. It was behind a picture of my daughter. His reaction gave me several key pieces of information.

First, he told me a picture of my daughter in the car was perfectly fine. This may seem innocuous, but we are not dealing with a normal person. He was communicating his acceptance of her. This was our shared space for work and she was more then welcome to be in it.

Next, he ranted about my refusal to just let go and fall in love with this pineapple infested hellhole. He made it clear anyone who would rather be in Jersey than Hawaii had issues. He even told me I was in paradise. It may seem as though he were illustrating my skewed sense of excellent areas to live in, but by that time, I knew him well. We could have been in Bumfuck, Egypt for all he cared. If I longed to be somewhere he was not, he was going to be pissed! This was good. He took a personal affront to my visual reminder of a place he was not in.

He so wanted me.

This step on the road to merging the land of sanity with the land of irrationality will make you shiver to your bones. When you find yourself committing acts he not only approves of, but also beams in pride about, say...racing through the streets of Honolulu with some dope dealer tethered to the hood, not that I am saying I did that, you have begun to understand him. This will be of great value when you both go too far and you end up running from the law together. (When you decide to pursue people like this, anything is possible.)

Once you understand him, you can see through the reckless behavior and laissez-faire attitude about breathing. This is when you realize the thrill-seeking is actually his selflessness. He will put it all on the line to right the wrong. That total disregard for due process? It's actually his sense of justice overshadowing the rights of the victimizers. His possessiveness is nothing more than his fierce protectiveness of and loyalty to those he holds dear.

Welcome to the final step. If you have made it this far, you are tenacious and not as mentally stable as you thought you were. Accept it. Move on.

Your final mission is to make it clear to him that you want him, you know he wants you, and you really need to do something about this. Subtlety will not work. If it is anything less than you standing naked in front of him holding a sign which states,"We should hump like bunnies!" he will convince himself he is misreading every signal you send. By this time, everyone around you will be fed up with your reluctance to just shake some sense into him and his inability to catch a clue. Frowns, sighs, and profanity will become the norm from those people who are just over being witnesses to the pathetic mating ritual.

After some gentle prodding from coworkers, as in my case, someone I will refer to has Miss Pushy, got in my face and told me to do something about it or she was locking us in her cousin's warehouse (Hey, I believed her and she has like, four hundred cousins!) until we either killed each other or got our shit together, you will be forced to act.

She got everyone out of the office promptly at five. I didn't miss her narrowed eyes or the slow slide of a finger across her throat. (Women can be nutso, too.) My fear of her outweighed my fear of GI Wacko, so I manned up and walked into his office.

I stood before his desk and stared at him until he looked up from spider solitaire. To those unfamiliar with his bullshit, he appeared to be working. I knew he had adult ADHD and concentrating on work that did not involve guns and vests would last ten minutes maximum.

"Am I hot?" Why beat around the bush?

He gave me a confused look, which quickly switched to concern as he began to rummage through his desk.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Looking for a thermometer."

Frustration is a common side effect of dealing with these types. I may have neglected to mention that.

"What the hell do you need a thermometer for!" My voice may have been a bit louder than the normal indoor voice.

"I told you to keep that cut clean. If you're hot, that could mean an infection..."

"Oh, shut UP, Dr. Demento! That isn't what I meant!"

"Ohhhhkaaaaayyyyy...."

"..."

"Did I miss something?" Those who know they have always ask this. Why?

"There is something wrong with you." You have to remind them they are a bit off.

"I'm not the one claiming to be hot in here!"

"Oh my...were you dropped on your head? Repeatedly?"

"So what did you mean?"

This is where you have to be blatant in your intentions. "We should leave right now. We usually go get a few Long Boards. Let's do something different."

"What?"

"Fuck each other senseless?"

Patience is required at this point. First, you will receive a look as if you are the crazy one. Second, excitement and doubt will alternate across his face. Smile at him. Give him "the look".

"Are you...hitting on me?" A normal person would label the prior comment propositioning. Some would even slap you and head to human resources throwing that "sexual harassment" term around. He will consider it flirting.

"..." Comprehension of this foreign situation will happen shortly. Remain silent.

"You are!" Be prepared for random realizations from your guy. Oh, he's yours. You just have to let him catch up. Let him verbalize his understanding of the situation without interruption from you.

"You're gay?" Continue to smile.

"That's why you're always hanging out with me and touching me." An eye roll here is perfectly acceptable.

"Me?" Self-doubt again.

"Really?" Hands in your pockets. This is NOT the time to smack him.

"Are you sure?" Now speak! He needs reassurance from you that you not only accept him, flaws and all, but also love him in spite of his issues.

Keep it casual like I did. "Yea, I'm sure." This type requires tangible evidence. They are analytical. Move slowly, but without hesitation. Close the distance. Get in his space. Start with a friendly touch and let it increase in intimacy. Then, go in for the kill.

Kiss him.

When he kisses you back, you will feel like you won the lottery.

***********

You're probably expecting me to write,"And they lived happily every after." You are in love with a nut case, yet expect a house in the suburbs with a picket fence, a collie named Max, and neighbors like the Cleavers? Maybe you are just as unstable, and more in denial, than your mate.

We're on stand down for the next few days. It's not a reward. See, when your team catches a group of thugs, instead of being praised, there is a public outcry. So what if there was a Molotov cocktail, some MMA moves, and Gitmo inspired interrogation techniques involved? No one got hurt. Okay, my arm has two dozen stitches, McGarrett's bruises make him look like a walking bag of Skittles, and the perps somehow ended up beat to hell, but those families are safe, so it's a fair trade right?

Anyway, while the public relations machine deals with what they call "the 5-0 nightmare", we are to lay low.

"Hey, Danno! They're showing you punching that guy off the pier again!" Steve is sitting on the couch smiling proudly at the tape the local news shows fifty times a day as they take aim and fire at our reputations.

I could point out that is one of the reasons the Governor chewed our asses for close to an hour, but he would forget every word I said as soon as I got to the next one. That's just him.

He's looking at me grinning. I will never like Hawaii better than Jersey, but, this whole insanity thing? It ain't so bad.


End file.
